Matter

When classically defined, matter can be understood as anything that takes up space—some form of mass that can be observed in the world and has measurable volume. Often introduced as a topic in early elementary school, this concept is refined in later education for high schoolers. I’ve been thinking about the topic of matter not in quite literal terms, but rather the significance of “mattering” as it applies to one’s sense of self during psychological development.

There has been a new wave of research into the idea of “mattering” as a core psychological need. Author and researcher Dr. Gordon Flett writes about this in his book Mattering as a Core Need in Children and Adolescents: Theoretical, Clinical, and Research Perspectives. The goal of his studies is to explore how feeling valued and necessary to others is a critical step in young people’s development—one that fosters resilience and mitigates mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, interpersonal violence, and suicide.

A key theme in understanding mattering, as it applies to young people, is that it is more than simply feeling like they belong. Mattering includes a felt sense of being seen and understood at a core level. This often feels antithetical to the culture of modern-day schooling and achievement-oriented environments that many adolescents must navigate. From my own clinical work, I’ve gathered that most adolescents are taught—through punishment and reward—that they matter when they do well, if not perfectly, in school. This can be described as “conditional mattering,” where a sense of being valued is contingent on external behavior or performance.

This is quite a perilous path to walk. Adolescents are at a pivotal point in their psychosocial development, where learning new skills will launch them into adult life, yet they remain psychologically similar to their child-selves. So, as much as teenagers may present as “tiny adults,” they are still working toward—having not yet mastered—the tasks needed to become fully fledged adults. This period of development therefore necessitates reinforcement of childhood needs for unconditional acceptance and safety from caregivers, even as adolescents take on new responsibilities.

These seemingly junior adults also develop a heightened sensitivity to approval that operates as frequently and intensely as their growing appetites. When they are taught that other adults will judge their value through accolades, this sets the stage for a strong association between achievement and social acceptance. This goes beyond simply earning good grades to get into a good college; it reinforces the belief that only those with good grades can find community and belonging. Cognitively, teenagers often lack the breadth of perspective and life experience needed to challenge this association, leaving them without sufficient evidence to question the idea that perfect grades inherently lead to a perfect life.

When I think about grades, exams, and even the way essays are evaluated, these systems are largely oriented toward assessing how well someone can retain and regurgitate information according to a teacher’s expectations. However, the authority behind such evaluations represents only one mind within a world filled with diverse, creative, and intriguing human thought. I write this to invite a more critical understanding that one person’s evaluation is not representative of a holistic review. There exists a vast community of thinkers and writers far beyond the walls of a high school classroom.

There is also something to be said for the idea that learning to reproduce facts is only one skill among many needed to sustain oneself in adult life. Adults—and their teenage predecessors—must also learn soft skills that not only contribute to securing a job (as required by our current system), but also to generating a life that feels meaningful, manageable, and satisfying. These skills, often found intrinsically—such as the ability to reflect, regulate, trust, and love oneself—are just as important as mastery of academic subjects. Not to mention, the task of regurgitating facts has largely been replaced by Google search engines and AI bots, while self-awareness and human ingenuity have not been replaced by technocorps…yet. 

This all is to say that when children learn about matter in their textbooks, they read that matter simply “takes up space.” It comes without qualifications. Matter matters because it exists—not because it serves, delivers, acclimates, or accomplishes. If “mattering” is about simply “being,” perhaps there is an opportunity to apply this same idea to the young people in our lives. To matter to someone means being connected to and receptive of their intrinsic traits—the aspects of the self that are not fleeting, such as grade point averages. Show the young people in your life that you see them and their value, just as we might show a first grader that a rock matters simply because it exists.

References

American Psychological Association. (2024, October). The antidote to achievement culture. APA Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/10/antidote-achievement-culture

Anbar, R. D. (2025). The life guide for teens: Harnessing your inner power to be healthy, happy, and confident (1st ed.). Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.

Curran, T. (2023). The perfection trap: Embracing the power of good enough. Scribner.

Flett, G. L. (2025). Mattering as a core need in children and adolescents: Theoretical, clinical, and research perspectives. American Psychological Association.

Kent, J. A. (2023, November 6). Perfectionism might be hurting you: Here’s how to change your relationship to achievement. Harvard Summer School. https://summer.harvard.edu/blog/perfectionism-might-be-hurting-you-heres-how-to-change-your-relationship-to-achievement/

Rajani, N. (n.d.). How our childhood insecurities shape our roles as parents [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/lWGA4gJrodg

Your Anxious Child. (2025, May 13). Mattering as a core need: Interview with Gordon L. Flett, PhD (Season 2K, Episode 132) [Audio podcast]. Apple Podcasts. https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/mattering-as-a-core-need-interview-with-gordon-l-flett-phd/id937022377?i=1000708389480

Cover Photo by K. K. on Unsplash